the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
