I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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