I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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