I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
