Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
