my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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