The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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