the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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