how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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