running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
