dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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