I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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