She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
