my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Terrible idea I love it
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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