he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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