I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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