I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
