break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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