if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
