I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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