onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
