John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
