Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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