i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
