I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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