Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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