phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
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I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
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got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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