I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
