You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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