nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
