I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
