hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
