You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
