For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
