dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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