yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
