They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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