burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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