The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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