I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
