My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
