WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
