I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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