I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize