i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
