So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
