I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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