dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
