And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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