My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
