i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
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so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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