Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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