last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
