The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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