I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Did I show you my penis last night?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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