My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
