Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
